Saturday, April 10, 2010

Bar Scene

The Bar Scene Blogfest
This blogfest is run by a friend of mine, Tara. Check out her blog: Tara Blog

I'm posting a scene from a romance/erotica novella that is being worked on scene by scene. The particular scene for this blogfest comes from my very first erotica short story. I first wrote the story to see if I could write erotica and the first part was easy but the erotic part didn't get written till almost 5 months later. The prompt was to involve Halloween in the story, though I never had it done in time to submit to the WDC contest the prompt came from.  The characters even have a fan. He loves reading their stories and even has woken up thinking about them, which is very encouraging and why their story is still going even though the genre isn't my main focus.

Random bits of information: the drink is called Buffy's Revenge. I found it on a bar web site and it seemed fitting at the time. It's introduced before this section but I don't want to post too long of a scene. Vampire's name is actually Kyle, but Thomas doesn't find out his name till later, when they are at his house watching a horror movie.

Novella: untitled
Short Story: Halloween Without Him

Half an hour later, the bartender returned. Thomas had finished the first one several minutes ago.

"Would you like another?"

Before he could respond, someone else answered. "Make that two." The newcomer casually tossed a credit card on the counter next to the now damp napkin.

Thomas turned to examine the newcomer. It was a young male vampire. His clothing consisted of only blacks and matched a club style or so it seemed. It had been years since he'd been to a club. He felt too old for that type of activity anymore. The man had a fishnet shirt and topped it off with a small black cape. It seemed a bit odd that he had on black pants and a long skirt-like material, but it suited him well. Thomas was glad to see he wasn't wearing much makeup. He had a baby doll face, blue eyes, light features, and a small trail of red near his not too perfect white teeth.


"No problem." The vampire sat down on the stool next to Thomas, before turning to give him the glance over. "Let me guess... banker."


"Your costume. So, not a banker. How about an accountant?"

Thomas stared at him for a minute before giving in. "Undercover editor for a magazine."

"That was going to be my next guess." He took a swig of the red drink. "Wow, that's weird."

"So, why a vampire? Couldn't think of anything more original?"

He laughed for a few seconds, sending a slight chill down Thomas' spine. "Well, it is rather cliché. But it has perks."

"What kind of perks?" Thomas said, expecting a weird response.

Instead, the vampire stood from the barstool and moved behind Thomas. "Close your eyes," he instructed. Thomas was a bit nervous but went along with it.

For a few minutes nothing happened. He could hear a distant conversation, possibly from the zombie group. Ice clinked in glasses; the bartender must be making another drink. Just as he was about to give up and open his eyes, he felt the light pressure of the vampire's arms wrapping around him. The sensation of teeth upon the right side of his neck was next, which combined with the darkness of his eyes closed caused him to gasp. This lasted for what felt like a small eternity.

"You can open your eyes now." The vampire said after moving back to the barstool.

Thomas opened his eyes but had nothing to say. He still had chills from the experience.


The Alliterative Allomorph said...

Hi! I'm new to your blog due to the bar scene blog fest. I really like this. It's more like a vignette, or flash fiction piece than a short story.

One small suggestion. I think you should get rid of the last sentence. It kinda put a dampner on my own chills. Ending with the second last sentence will make the reader wonder what happened. Is he transformed? Is he still a normal human being? Was this for real? The last sentence places us back into reality and kind of disappoints. You get what I'm saying?

Was a pleasure to read! Nice work!

stu said...

I'm inclined to agree. I like most of this, but the last sentence sounds like you're telling the audience what to feel.

If I'm being picky, possibly the paragraph starting with 'Thomas turned to examine...' needs just a touch of tweaking. The 'or so it seemed' feels just a little heavy handed, and I found myself just a little confused about what he was wearing.

Still, overall this is nice, and very focussed.

Dawn Embers said...

Thanks for the comments this early in the day. I guess I should clarify: it's not the whole short story. There is much more including the sex part since the story is my first erotica attempt. It's not a last line by any means, just where I chose to stop so this entry wasn't way too long.

Thanks again. :-)

Amalia T. said...

Interesting set-up. Thomas is clearly in over his head!

sarahjayne smythe said...

Very cool entry. Vampire love in a bar. :)

Raquel Byrnes said...

This was an interesting scene. Wasn't quite sure if I knew where it was going but your characters kept me reading. Chilling outcome.

Tara said...

I love the immediate casual banter between them. Good job :)

Donna Hole said...

This was sexy. I got chills myself.


Dawn Embers said...

Thanks everyone for the comments. Interesting to see reactions to an isolated section of a story, knowing how the rest is going to go but the reader doesn't know it.

Tara said...

yay vampires! I agree it was a very interesting set up. Would have loved to see more :-) thanks for joining in my blogfest!!


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