Friday, August 27, 2010

Word Paint Blogfest

Today is my blogfest and I figured, why not enter using both my blogs. Here is my entry from Cinder Story, which I just finished writing. I'm not 100 percent sure it has enough word paint in it, because I struggle at that but I figured it would be more helpful to me to at least try. This way I have one post that is an edited, focused on setting the scene draft and a very recent one.

Link to other blog for blogfest details and other participants: http://dawnembers.blogspot.com

For this blogfest, I wanted to go back since I had to skip some sections for the Rain Blogfest. It is right after Jack has moved in to the little room but before he meets the women he'll really be working for. Very rough draft as usual. (I should find a picture or something that is a "rough draft warning" for these entries since they all are but new people will see it so have to mention it each time.)


A Cinder Story:

Standing back, after the last box had been removed, Jack sighed with relief. Moving in two days hadn't been easy, despite the limited space, but he was there and ready for the first official work day that would follow. He rested upon the bed to relax, taking in the fresh odor radiating from the new odor killer thing he'd found at on sale. It didn't smell of flowers or anything special, just clean. It was better to be safe and make sure nothing could cause the room to repulse anyone that might enter. Plus, the scent was far better than the lack of smell that had been the rooms existence before he moved in.

The whole room had been dull and empty. Even the smell of the room reflected that for it had the smell of nothing. Which is one thing he was grateful to change.

He couldn't change the wall, which still had a stark white paint layer that looked so empty it reminded him of why people would go insane in all white rooms. Truth is that he hated white as the wall colors but he couldn't do much in this case except be grateful for the furniture and his own belongings to end the monotony that rang of solitary depression.

Aside from being dull and empty, the walls seemed to be on the thin side. Jack had no plans of blasting his music to a disruptive level or doing anything inappropriate so no one would have issues with the sounds coming from his room but he still felt concern. Privacy had always been important to him and it seemed the personal phone calls would have to wait most days, along with everything else. At least the rooms surrounding him weren't other personal bedrooms. His was the only one set aside downstairs, much like some tucked away servants' quarters.

Relief and uncertainty swirled deep within his gut as he settled down for bed. Tomorrow was the big first day and he needed to get up early to prepare. At least, he brought in his own bedding and drifted to sleep under the warm familiarity of blue-green comfort.

17 comments:

Summer Ross said...

I like this line: "Truth is that he hated white as the wall colors but he couldn't do much in this case except be grateful for the furniture and his own belongings to end the monotony that rang of solitary depression." because it is a different view of white walls. Most people think white brightens a room or atmosphere. well done.

drea moore said...

I loved the use of smells :D I should've thought of that...:(

Re the passage Summer mentioned: I love it too! This made me identify with the character, pulling me into the story. Rentals and new-home white walls...so oppressive...we decided on our most recent place (renting) because *gasp* plum/lavender bathroom and peach kitchen give it so much more character than standard white. Well done :D And thanks again for hosting this 'fest!

Raquel Byrnes said...

Your line about the white walls and the feeling of monotony "that rang of solitary depression..."
was very good.

Great entry and thanks for hosting such a fun blogfest topic!

Edge of Your Seat Romance

Brenda Drake said...

Great word painting and thanks for hosting this blogfest. You totally brought out the emptiness and alien space for the MC throughout. Then at the end with this --> "...drifted to sleep under the warm familiarity of blue-green comfort." --> He's holding on to something maybe past or childhood. Great! :D

Elaine AM Smith said...

Hi Dawn
Thanks for hosting this Blogfest. I am having so much fun reading everyone's descriptions.
These two phrases really spoke to me: "It didn't smell of flowers or anything special, just clean."
"At least, he brought in his own bedding and drifted to sleep under the warm familiarity of blue-green comfort."
I could picture him settling into this unfamiliar environment.
Cheers
Elaine

RaShelle said...

Hey Dawn. Thanks for hosting this blogfest. And for a draft, this is great!! You evoked the senses and painted a picture. =D

Donna Hole said...

That was beautiful; and won't take much cleaning up of mechanical errors to make it shine to perfection. You learned your lessons well from that excercise (book) and it shows to good effect here.

Just amazing how you were able to mix the colors and scents with Jacks personal associations. That made this excerpt come vividly alive. Despite the minor complaints Jack has, he manages to make this space seem homey and comfortable; a step up from what he was used to perhaps.

I got a good sense of Jacks personality - mostly how he handles change and deprivation. I'm sensing a true survivalist here, a hero who conquers by sublety rather than grand showmanship.

A character I could grow quickly fond of.

This was a superb idea Dawn. Thanks for hosting it.

.......dhole

Dawn Embers said...

Wow. I really thought this one wasn't very good. Interesting to see the responses.

Summer - Thanks. It's actually how I feel sometimes about all white walls. They are so plain and yet I never decorate them.

Drea - :-D Glad you like those sections. Smell is one sense I sometimes remember to add.

Raquel - Thanks.

Brenda - Why thank you for the compliments.

Elaine - I'm glad you're having fun with this. I hope to get to read everyone's soon.

Rashelle - :-D

Donna - I'm happy you like it, even with the first draft. ;-) I'm really glad you like the character too and can see even more into it than even I did. That's always fun.

Catherine A. Winn said...

I didn't enter the blogfest but your entry is wonderful. I enjoyed it.

Theresa Milstein said...

I like that you incorporated scent in your description. Many writers (myself included) forget to do that.

Francine said...

Hi,

So glad you held this blogfest - such a brilliant subject!

Lordy that room's a depressing sight.

Loved Jack's impression of odourless room - basically bland canvas for him to put his mark on, albeit with air-freshener!

best
F

Erin Kane Spock said...

I liked the repetition with odor and odor thingy and smell and lack of smell. It had a chant like beat to it. It also rang true as the way he would think rather than going to a thesaurus to find alternative words. Seriously. I mention it because it's one of my issues, repetition. But sometimes the lack of repetition is not natural and, in this case, really worked to lay the foundation for his character's thought process and also the general blandness of the room.
Nice entry, rough or not. :)

Dawn Embers said...

Catherine - It's okay not to enter. As long as you like my writing, lol. ;-)

Theresa - I like to add scents but I really have to think about it. That and unless there is food I don't remember taste.

F - :-D I like that aspect too and glad the tone of the room comes through to readers.

Erin - I'm glad this time repetition works. I need to work on it in my first drafts usually, because it's rare that repetition works this well. I notice it more in poems than when writing novels and don't care for too much. But you're right as to why this would work here. Because sometimes repetition is natural.

amy said...

You definitely get a sense that the room feels empty and depressing to Jack, which I liked. The only thing is, and maybe this is somewhere else in the story, I would have liked descriptions of his furniture in comparison with the room.

Thanks for hosting this blogfest! Loved it!

Dawn Embers said...

Amy - Thanks for the response. The furniture would be a good idea to add and I'll probably put some of that eventually. I'm writing these as I go along with the blogfests.

J.C. said...

Darn, how did I miss this entry? Oh, it's cause you've got TWO blogs! Ah...erm...me confuzzled...:S

I loved the descriptions in this, especially likening white walls to solitary depression. Poor Jack sounds like a lonely boy.

Damyanti said...

I hadn't read this one! Very atmospheric.

Fun

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