Friday, September 17, 2010

Shhh Its A Secret

Blogfest that is... hehehe

First, don't forget to enter my giveaway, posted on this blog for a chance to win books. And I could use some comments on nano ideas, for anyone that wants to check out that blog post. Now to the blogfest.




The Concept (aka rules):
"In 700 words or less give us at least one secret in a story: murder, mystery, funny, romantic, poetry, or story snippet...doesn't matter but the word "Secret" must be included in the story or poem to count." The entry is posted on September 17th. And it's a contest, with a prize! Fun shall ensue.

Check out the other entries at My Inner Fairy Blog


 The Novel: Cinder Story. Still in the beginning section of the novel but skipping a couple of things. The secondary character is the daughter of the Boss man, Ella. In most stories, she is the main character, but for mine she is going to be an important secondary character. She will eventually become friends with Cinder and that is key to the story, but this is before that part of the story. (As usual, it is a first, unedited, draft. fyi)


The Entry:


It took over a month to get a schedule going, but finally Jack had all the women in the house figured out... for the most part. And after two weeks straight of menial, servant quality work, he had a day off to relax in his little room. The sleep in morning went well and by night time he was feeling relaxed for the first time since moving in for the job. A look at the clock showed it wasn't too late to call Eathan and have some form of normal contact with the outside world but he couldn't do it in the house.

While his was the only bedroom on the first floor, Jack knew the walls were thin enough that any conversation could be heard if someone happened to be in one of the nearby rooms. There was no way of knowing they were empty the whole time and he didn't want to limit his conversations when it came to friends. Didn't want to spill a secret when it could easily be avoided by stepping outside.

Two hours of phone conversation, in the dark, sitting on the cold concrete edge of guest parking that made up the farthest end of the Boss' property was enough to make him reconsider the decision. Shivering, Jack stretched while stifling a groan that radiated down the upper back of his thighs. He was about to go in when the unscheduled illumination of a car pulling into a family member parking spot caused him to halt. None of the girls were supposed to be out and the parents were already in bed. Jack stayed in the shadows, peeking around a set of trees on the edge of the property while squinting to see which one of the girls violated the strict curfew.

Then the light on the side of the house pooled over the feminine figure that wrestled with an oversized purse in probable search a house key needed to sneak back into the house. To Jack's surprise, it wasn't the hot headed, fake blonde daughter. Instead, he saw Ella, his boss' only biological daughter. Her natural brown hair hung down in waves to her shoulders. Unlike her step-sisters, she never dressed very revealing but it was far outmatched by her general personality. He hadn't worked much with her, but that said more than anything else. So far, Ella hadn't used him for stupid, overly girly and embarrassing assignments. All of his reactions with her made him believe she was nice but he would need further reactions to make a final decision. But none of that indicated why she, of the three girls, was out past curfew.


10 comments:

Summer Ross said...

Hey there, Thanks for participating! This was a good one to post
Alot of post have secret at the end or beginning of the entries, its neat to see how everyone is doing it. yours is a bit further in. :)

my favorite line: "Then the light on the side of the house pooled over the feminine figure that wrestled with an oversized purse in probable search a house key needed to sneak back into the house." I really like the imagery in it.


"The sleep in morning went well and by night time he was feeling relaxed for the first time since moving in for the job." This sentence reads a little awkward just so you know.

Francine said...

Hi,

Intriguing hook, so why was she breaking curfew?

See, I hate it when I don't know what happens next! ;)

best
F

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

Very easy read. Nice "matter-of-fact" style. He clearly likes this one.

Dawn Embers said...

Summer Ross - Thanks for the comment and the fun blogfest. And you're right about the one sentence. I was going for him being able to sleep in (as in not get up early) but my late night mind confuddled it a little bit.

F - Actually, her secret is important to the whole plot of the novel. ;-)

Weny - why thank you. I was worried it'd sound a little too much telling the facts because there is no character interaction but those segments help balance the story overall.

Jacee Drake said...

I agree, intriguing hook... great entry. It is a little telling (like you said, lack of character interactions) but, IMO, its not distracting from the story.

Considering it's your first, unedited draft, I'm sure you'll catch those few spots later. :D

Thanks for sharing.

Sharde(Shar-day) said...

Hey, sorry I'm late. Very late, actually.

Nice entry. You know, most people have a problem with "telling", I don't in this case. Sometimes "telling" is good. Even needed.

I like what you have here. I tripped up though in the last paragraph, which happens to be my fav.(just sayin...) Is 'reaction' supposed to be 'interaction'? Just asking.

Sharde

Dawn Embers said...

Thanks for the comments.

Jacee - I'm glad you like it. Hopefully, those aspects will be fixed in rewrite, very true.

Sharde - no worries. I still appreciate any comment. And yes, it should be interactions. I really need to not write that close to midnight, lol.

Elena Solodow said...

You gave us just enough to make me want more! Nice job.

Dawn Embers said...

Elena - :-D Good.

J.C. Martin said...

Interesting slant to the secret--looks like Jack is trying to uncover one!

Sorry it took me so long to get here--I completely forgot about this alternate blog of yours! Been visiting the other one instead!

Fun

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